It was widely considered that the definitive list for events in this year’s London Olympiad had been finalised months ago, but the IOC last night exclusively revealed that a new discipline, Gull Watching, will be a last minute addition to the roster.
Prominent IOC member Gianfranco Caspian explained the reasoning behind the last minute decision.
“Gull Watching has increased in popularidy (laughs) over the last few years as more and more in learnt about these fascinating critters. Contrary to popular belief, we are an open minded bunch willing to consider the inclusion of any sport, providing the relevant inducements are in place.”
The location of the event is yet to be decided, but rumours abound that North Wales is set to be chosen.
Sab’s Coe mused:
“We could have opted for the tip near Rainham Marshes, but felt that the global audience of billions would be turned off. Not by the mind-numbing tedium of this discipline I hasten to add, but by the large pile of garbage.”
Instead a beach in Gwynedd or Conwy is being mooted, where the spectacular backdrop of Snowdonia will at least provide some mental succour to dazed viewers.
The rules are yet to be finalised, but provisional plans hint at some sort of ‘biathlon.’
Another IOC member Mr Habu Kumlein added some flesh to the bone:
“We anticipate that all participants will be required to take an identification test. Local chippies and other fast food outlets will be invited to deposit any waste on a yet to be specified beach or school playing field. Each competitor will then have two hours to identify as many different species, age groups and races of gull as possible.
Finally, each entrant will give a lecture to a group of local birders on the subject of gulls, with the most points allocated to the contender who puts them all in a catatonic state the in the least amount of time.”
However, the inclusion of Gull Watching has not been looked at favourably by everyone. Old-skool committee member, Professor Communis fumed:
“Seagull Mithering? What the tw*tting hell will those clucking, dribbling old duffers think up next – bloody Rhinoceros Painting, I’ll bet you.
I turn my back for 10 seconds to ensure that there is some nice totty competing in the Beach Volleyball and just look what fecking happens.