RSPB Valley Lakes Discovery

Excited botanists made a beeline for Llyn Penrhyn this weekend following the discovery last week of a stem of Phragmites that was slightly longer than any of the others surrounding it, leading many eminent scientists to speculate that it could be the American subspecies americanus.

Dr Reed from Bangor University was out for his weekly peregrinations around the RSPB’s Valley Lakes when he happened upon this startling discovery.

“I couldn’t believe my eyes at first, but there it was growing in front of me and clearly 2 inches taller than all the other reeds around it.”

“On closer inspection I was even more exited as the ligules measured 0.95 millimetres. As any fool knows The Eurasian genotype can be distinguished from the North American genotype by its shorter ligules of up to 0.9 millimetres (0.04 in) as opposed to over 1.0 millimetre (0.04 in), shorter glumes of under 3.2 millimetres (0.13 in) against over 3.2 millimetres (0.13 in) (although there is some overlap in this character), and in culm characteristics.”

If verified this will be the first confirmed occurrence of the subspecies in the UK, but there are sceptics, most notably Professor Communis who quickly poured scorn on Dr Reed’s find.

In language more colourful than most in academia, he boomed:

“Seriously, what fucking planet is he on? Pluto? Actually not Pluto, because it’s not a cocking planet is it anymore – who do you think I am? Professor friggin Brian Cox or something? Anyway, does he think that all species in the natural world are manufactured in a mould so that there are all feckin’ identical? Has he never seen a bleedin’ Red-necked Grebe?”

Until later.